A Waste of Precious Booze (Homestuck fic)

[nobrandhero]

Title: A Waste of Precious Booze
Fandom: Homestuck
Rating: G
Word count: 2,929
Pairing(s): familial Dave Strider & Bro Strider
Warnings: underage drinking and drunkenness

Summary: Getting smashed for the first time and livetweeting it seems like a good idea until Dave realizes he isn't actually a fun drunk but is too drunk to have the common sense to stop.

Notes: "I thought that alcohol was just for those with nothing else to do / I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze" - Barenaked Ladies, "Alcohol"

Read on Dreamwidth under the cut, or over on AO3.

----

Nothing happened in the Strider apartment that Dirk didn't know about. He let Dave think he could keep some secrets, but he knew about the hole in the wall hidden behind the Stiller poster, he knew when Dave snuck out at four AM, and he knew about the time he brought home a boy (and that it hadn't gone well).

Sometimes he'd concoct ways to walk in at just the right moment to "discover" Dave's delinquency, but unless he was doing something stupid enough to warrant meddling, often enough he'd just leave it be. Dave was cool, he usually knew what he was doing, and Dirk respected that.

For similar reasons, he said nothing when a pack of beer that had been stuffed in the back of a cupboard went missing. He'd hit Dave with extra chores for the next week to make up for the cost -- Dirk didn't buy cheap piss alcohol -- but it was better Dave experimented at home than out at some fucking party where he could get his stupid ass hurt.

Dave was drunk half an hour after holing himself up in his room. It didn't take spying on him to know it, either. Dirk had just finished filming a new video for one of his sites when his phone buzzed. He had Dave's Twitter feed texted directly to him; sometimes it got annoying when Dave went on a retweet binge, but that evening reminded him exactly why he'd kept his notification settings as-is.

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
guess whos just drunk enough to think drunktweeting is a good idea?

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
look out internet here comes some a+ quality humor at my expense

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
i am on drink number two and what the experts might call lightly buzzed i might need a designated typer soon

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
no worries kids im going to try out this scientifically sound method of chugging for maximum drunkenness in minimum time

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
tbh that was kind of gross im proud for not hurling yet

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
time to wait for side effects and hope that the not hurling thing stays true

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
ok im starting to feel kinda weird i cant be held responsible for whatever tweets come out in the next few minutes

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
whoa

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
whoa no

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
nnnononono

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
i dont actuallly like this

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
guyys

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
guys is it spopsed to get like this i dont like it i dont like drunk

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
why would anyone enjoy this this was supopsed to be fun

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
booze sucx

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
seriously for those not in the know dont drink boozw ok? it is bullsshti BULLSHJIT

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
*bullshit

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
alchohols a lie fed to you by movies to get you to secrellty have emotions and its awful dont drink it

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
ok im getting a lot of replys calling my claims of alcohol suckage to be bullshit

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
guys i dont like this my follwoers can be dum b but i think theyre on to sotmthing here

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
guys

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
GUYS

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
im a bad drunk :(

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
how do i drunk roght i dont like this

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
retweeting doesnt help me

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
no stp[ retweeeting this shit

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
stop it im not being funny

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
how do i have to tell you pople i am teh wort drunk to ever drunk? how do you not already know this??

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
*worst heh ok that skinda funny

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
WIAT SHIT DONT LOOK AT THAT UNIRONIC TEH

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
fuck booze im way funnyer when im sovber these typos are just dumb omfg who tf uses teh

Retweeted by Dave Strider
R. Lalonde @tentacleTherapist
@turntechGodhead I am screenshotting every single one of these. I think I'll make them into a collage for my desktop background.

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
see?? wht the fuck @tentacleTherapist do you get off on boring dumb tweets??

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
how much booze does itake before it gets fun?? im not evne thirst y anymore and all those frat assholes chug how much of this shit before th

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
wherd the rest of my tweet go?

Retweeted by Dave Strider
Jade @gardenGnostic
@turntechGodhead ummm dave maybe you should go to bed! just a suggestion <3

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
.@gardenGnostic youre not the boss of me

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
i have to finish this booze before my bro finds out anyway fuck sleep

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
but you gusys gotta stop retweeing me!

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
no you guys you dont underSTAND

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
im supposed to think everythings hilaryus when im just being stupid not the other way around

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
IM DOING THISN WRONG

Retweeted by Dave Strider
John E. @ghostyTrickster
psa: if you don't follow @turntechGodhead, you NEED to just for tonight.

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
.@ghostyTrickster jonh what the fuck? first of all you only have three folowers second of all how are you eating this uup too??

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
if you thought id be nicer to my friends just cuz im drink then YOU THOGHT WRONG

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
they are dumber than boxes of rocks i dotn know how i never noticed before the booze STOP FAVORITNG EVERYTHING LALONDE

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
theyre so dumb and i love them anyway guys dont be mad cos i said your dubm plz plz dont be mad ok i love you

Retweeted by Dave Strider
John E. @ghostyTrickster
@turntechGodhead DAVE, DON'T RETWEET ME, I JUST GOT LIKE FIFTY NEW FOLLOWS I DON'T WANT.

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
i still love you john but im totaly rewteeting that ok cuz you WONT STOP RETWEETING ME EITHER

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
guys what if my friends dont love me back they wont stop reading my twittter even tho its really bad guys this is bad stop

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
if you lvoe me stop reading this

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
let the records state that john and rose DO NOT LOVE ME and retweeted me AGIAIIN

Retweeted by Dave Strider
Jade @gardenGnostic
@turntechGodhead i didnt retweet anything! :)

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
jade i said to stop fucking READNG these things you can t fuckin REPLY witout READING HTEM FIRST SMFH

Dirk actually cracked up at a couple of those, but only a little, coolly. Jesus, his bro was a drama queen. It was probably well past time to step in and pull him away from the social media before he did something too stupid. The real dilemma was whether to ground him or mock him mercilessly.

Fuck it. Dirk's camera was already on and that shit sounded hilarious.

He never bothered knocking when he entered Dave's room; it made it less suspicious when he purposefully walked in on sensitive moments, plus he liked keeping Dave on his toes. Dave was used to this, but in his drunken state he jumped as the door opened.

An almost empty bottle of beer sat in plain sight on his desk, with a couple empty ones littering the floor, but Dave's face was what grabbed Dirk's attention: tired expression, general redness in his skin, fresh tears falling down his already damp cheeks... The poor sack of crap was crying. He was a worse drunk than even his tweets could get across.

Dirk snorted and leaned against the doorframe. "No wonder you were getting so fucking distressed." He aimed the camera at Dave's tear-streaked face. "Guess someone's a weepy drunk."

Dave glowered at him. "I'm no' drunk." His words slurred and were a little shaky.

"I follow your damn Twitter, li'l bro."

"No y'don't, I blocked you."

Dirk shrugged. "I have more than one username."

"Oh..." Dave wiped at his eyes and sniffed. "What d'you want?"

"Just to help on your poorly conceived mission of documenting Dave's First Drunk Escapades." Dirk tapped the side of the camera and cocked his head. "That okay by you?"

Dave frowned. "Okay, but I'm not funny."

"Don't worry about it." Dirk walked over, unzooming the lens as he neared. "Why don't you tell the camera why you're crying?"

"People are favoriting my tweets," Dave said with such utter despair that it was hard to keep a straight face.

"Mm-hm. That's a tragedy, right there."

"Why do they keep retweeting?" Dave held his hands towards his monitor in horrified exasperation. "I'm just telling them booze is awful. Are they trying to spread the warning? Even the In'ernet can't be stupid enough to think this shit is funny."

"We both know there's no end to Internet stupidity."

Dave gasped as if he'd never thought of that. He lunged for the keyboard. "I gotta delete it all!"

Dirk caught his shoulder with his free hand and pulled Dave away from the computer. "Nah, nah, nah, your sober ass isn't getting out of reviewing your drunken mistakes that easily. Let's get you away from that keyboard before you do any real damage."

"Bro, no, I have to tell them to stop before it's too late." Dave kept moving his hands to type even though the keyboard was well out of range. "They don't know how unfunny I'm being; I have to warn them."

"Don't worry. They are well aware of what they're doing, unlike a certain li'l dipshit."

Dave stopped resisting and stared up at Dirk. "Y'mean they're retweeting ironanalically?"

"Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night."

Dave's brow furrowed as he got caught up contemplating his own words. "Iranicully," he mumbled. "Irunic... Ironul... Ironacly."

Dirk rolled his eyes and led him to his bed, pushing him down to sit on the mattress. "Ironically."

Dave let out a pathetic whine and cried harder.

Dirk fought the urge to laugh and just shook his head. "Here I was thinking of dragging you to the roof as soon as you're sober enough to handle sharp things again, but I think you're doing a fine job of punishing yourself already."

"But I can fuckin' say it. Irroanically. Irancally. Aronic- Iroln- Ironicatly- Ironicallat!" Dave's face screwed up and he smacked his face against the desk next to his bed in frustration/stupidity, narrowly missing the corner. The ensuing "thud" was loud enough that even Dirk winced. He was a little surprised Dave wasn't bleeding and that his sunglasses were still in one piece when he straightened. He was probably in for a bruise later.

Dirk plucked Dave's shades off. "Let's just take these away until you're less likely to shatter them and impale the remains into your forehead, all right?"

"Nooo, I need those!" Dave reached after them. "Bro, I gotta be cool."

"Hey, don't worry." Dirk tossed them onto the desk so that they skidded well out of Dave's reach. "Right now, a lack of shades can't possibly make you any less cooler than you already are."

Dave was drunk enough to nod and accept that as an answer.

Dirk settled on the mattress next to Dave and, for once in his life, Dave actually managed to startle him: he shuffled closer and leaned against Dirk's shoulder, hiccuping.

"You know," Dirk whispered, watching Dave through the camera monitor, "if I uploaded this online, it would go completely viral."

"Yeah?" Dave sniffled.

Dirk nodded. "Yeah. But I'm not gonna do that to you."

"Y're not?" Dave said, his eyes widening in wonder as he turned his head to stare up at Dirk.

"Nah."

"Why not?"

"Well, the humor would wear off eventually and then I'd just feel bad. Also, you'd hate me forever."

"I would?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." Dave rubbed at his eyes. "I love you, Bro."

"You are so fucking drunk, li'l bro." Dirk smirked, but he turned off the camera all the same. He was definitely not motivated by a pang of guilt or anything; shit was just getting less funny. He tousled Dave's hair. "Let's get you sobered up."

At least Dave didn't have trouble walking, though Dirk had to grab his arm a couple of times to steer him out of wandering the wrong direction. It was a wonder the kid had managed to write a steady stream of tweets, considering how shit his attention span had turned.

Once they reached the kitchen, Dirk shoved a bottle of water into Dave's hands and got the coffeemaker started. "Drink that whole damn bottle," he said as he scavenged through the drawers for a snack. "You'll thank me when your head isn't throbbing like a motherfucker tomorrow."

He found an old Snickers bar that was probably still good -- maybe it was a little sweet for drunk eating, but Dave just needed something in his stomach that wasn't liquid. He almost tossed it over but looked just in time to see Dave was too busy struggling with the bottle's cap to catch a thrown object. He was chewing on his lip and looked ready to burst into a new set of tears as he rushed to vanquish his plastic foe.

Dirk sighed and caught the bottle just long enough to twist it open. "Take it easy, dumbass. Didn't say you had a time limit." He passed back the water, along with the candy bar. "Try eating this too. If it makes you sick, you know where the trash bin is."

"Okay," Dave mumbled.

To Dirk's relief, he had the sense to eat slowly. He watched him like a hawk anyway, in case he did need to throw up -- he'd said otherwise, but he didn't actually think Dave was in a state of mind to know how to locate the trash bin.

Dave stared at the floor and sipped at his water. "Bro?" his voice was tiny. "Am I a bad Strider?"

Dirk raised an eyebrow. "Why the hell would you be a bad Strider?"

"I got drunk wrong. 'm all... 'm all weepy 'n confushed." Dave sniffed and rubbed at his eye with a palm. "I shoul', I shoul' be goofy and shit. Or at least all indiff'rent, like when you drink."

"You have never seen me drunk, li'l bro, and that isn't changing."

"But I can't even say iriniacally," Dave whined, his face scrunching up as if the tears might get worse with the return of that damn non-word.

"I've got no right to talk." Dirk shrugged. "Once I got drunk enough to think it was a great idea to skateboard down a flight of stairs."

Dave's eyes widened. "Oh my god, no, that's ironac genius."

Dirk snorted. "Okay, you're not going anywhere near stairs or skateboards until you sober the fuck up."

"But what if- what if- what if- what if there was a Kool-Aid pool at the bottom?" Dave said with far too much sincere excitement. At least the waterworks were on pause.

"Wow, I turned the camera off too soon."

Dave twitched as if he could barely contain the urge to run. "Bro, I gotta get back to my compu'er, I gotta tweet this, I finally got a tweet."

"Yeah, you go record this stroke of genius of yours." Dirk took Dave's water for safekeeping and gave him a light shove towards his room.

Dave scrambled off and, within a minute, Dirk's phone buzzed.

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
KOOL AID STAIRS

He chuckled and got out a mug as the coffee finished brewing. He dragged Dave back out, settled him on the futon with coffee and a second bottle of water, and turned on a low maintenance movie. He left him only to fix them both bowls of cereal before lounging on the futon next to Dave and poking fun at the movie.

Dave's mood was steadily improving, even if he was still drunk off his ass. The tears stopped falling, at least, and he snickered along with Dirk's commentary, even when Dirk's humor missed its target.

He was still drunk enough to lean against Dirk's shoulder instead of wandering back to his room like he should've when he was about to drift off. Dirk tried to push him away and instead ended up with his arm pinned by a limp little brother.

Dirk lightly shoved him. "Dave. Get off my fucking arm," he said, but Dave had already passed out. Noted: Dave was both a weepy and a tired drunk. "Goddammit." Dirk pressed a palm against his forehead. He could pick him up and drag him back to bed if he had to, but he didn't actually want to risk waking the fucker up. "Whatever, just don't puke on me."

He settled back and prepared for a long night of watching whatever shit was on TV, half-squashed under his brother.

* * *

Dirk pretended to be asleep when Dave slunk away the next morning -- it looked as if Operation: Don't Let Li'l Bro Have His First Hangover was officially a success, going by the lack of crawling along the floor and wincing. It might have been amusing to confront him, but Dirk figured there had been enough humor at Dave's expense in the past twelve hours.

He'd just torment him with the video footage later anyway.

His phone buzzed with new Twitter notifications.

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
last night happened

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
in sober retrospect i understand why you guys kept retweeting me

Dave Strider @turntechGodhead
but lets never speak of it again

Retweeted by Dave Strider
John E. @ghostyTrickster
@turntechGodhead YOU SENT OVER FOUR HUNDRED OF YOUR STUPID FOLLOWERS WHEN YOU RETWEETED ME, YOU ASSHOLE!!