Constants & Variables - Act 2.4
Jul. 31st, 2014 10:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nobrandheroRead on Dreamwidth under the cut, or over on AO3.
----
God.
Fucking.
Dammit.
Dave cranked up his music. He was chill, he didn't give shits, and he wasn't even the slightest bit thrown off by recent events. So one of his doomed timeline iterations had fucked up worse than usual. Big deal. He'd leave the worrying to the others. He was too busy keeping chill and looking for a solution.
By chatting with a bunch of useless aliens over Trollian. That would absolutely solve the problem that their lusus were dead, Sgrub was unwinnable, and they were all going to die.
He couldn't exactly claim he had any better plans and it's what John wanted. What was there to lose anyway? Other than what little time they had left before the static-y asshole found them.
Dave picked a username among the twelve without paying attention. His mouth twitched as the user's profile and viewport appeared on the screen. Naturally, he'd chosen someone who typed in a highblood's colors. Not that Dave gave a fuck; he had no reason to worry about highbloods.
There were things far more concerning than the alien's possible social status anyway. Such as the fact the asshole caked white and gray makeup all over his brown skin.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --
TG: what
TG: in the name of the shitty frog you crawled out of
TG: are you supposed to be
TC: HoNk.
TG: ok
TG: that answers approximately fuckall
TC: hOnK hOnK. :o)
TG: i guess you assholes speak in an alien avian dialect
TG: caw caw and stuff then
TG: thats troll bird speak for stop talking like a dumbass
TC: DoN't MoThErFuCkInG bE lIkE tHaT nOw, My TrOlL bRo. I wAs JuSt GeTtInG mY wIcKeD mOtHeRfUcKiNg ElAtIoN wArMeD uP. :o)
TG: i changed my mind go back to honking
TC: cAn'T sAy I gEt MaNy ReQuEsTs FoR tHaT oNe, MoThErFuCkEr, BuT i'Ll Be HaPpY tO oBlIgE.
TC: HoNk HoNk.
TG: whatever
TG: ive got orders to follow quotas to fill places to be people to nag
TG: so question number one
TG: have you done anything so fucking stupid lately that it could fuck over a completely different universe
TC: wElL tHaT sUrE iSn'T sOuNdInG lIkE a ThInG i WoUlD'vE dOnE. hOnK.
TG: cool survey over this is pointless thanks for confirming what i already knew
TG: you aliens probably dont even have enough cumulative iq to notice if you fucked something up on an interdimensional level anyway
TG: so basically im wasting my time talking to idiots like you but what else is fucking new
TC: If I mAy PaSs On A wOrD oF aDvIcE fRoM oNe BrOtHeR tO aNoThEr...
TC: yOu MaY wAnT tO gEt YoUr MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl On SoMe. ReLaX, bRo. AiN't ThE eNd Of ThE wOrLd.
TC: HoNk. :o)
TG: excuse me i am always fucking chill
TG: i radiate so much chill that cooking is a nearly impossible pastime in my presence
TG: that foods staying cold doesnt matter how much fire you give it when im around to cancel out the heat
TG: that is how chill i am at all times including now especially now
TC: sOuNdS lIkE yOu'Re On EdGe To Me, MoThErFuCkEr.
TG: the fuck i am
TG: not that i wouldnt have every damn right to be considering my friends are fucked six ways from next perigee and theres not one goddamn thing i can do to help them
TG: anyone else would probably panic or something in a situation like this and i cant say id blame em
TG: but i remain chill as always
TC: BrO, yOu'Re SoUnDiNg LiKe My MoThErFuCkInG bEsT fRiEnD wHeN hE's TrYiNg To PrEtEnD hE dOeSn'T nEeD tO cAlM hIs AsS dOwN. yOu BoTh NeEd To LeT sOmE sHiT bE.
TC: iF tHeRe'S nOtHiNg YoU cAn Do To FiX yOuR pReDiCaMeNt, BeSt To AcCePt It. MaYbE iT's FoR tHe MoThErFuCkInG bEsT aNd YoUr MiNd JuSt HaSn'T bEeN oPeNeD eNoUgH yEt To SeE iT. :o)
TG: that is the biggest case of bullshit ive heard since the great hoofbeast stampede of 06
TG: fuckers left droppings all over the town it was smelly and squishy and an unnatural shade of green
TG: no shoes were safe
TG: but its nothing compared to the stench of the crap spewing from your mouth
TC: WeLl It'S a MoThErFuCkInG sHaMe YoU fEeL tHaT wAy. BuT tHiNgS wIlL bE wOrKiNg ThEiR wAy OuT oF tRoUbLe If YoU lEt ThEm Do YoU tHaT sOlId.
TC: a MiRaClE's CoMiNg YoUr WaY, bRo. I cAn MoThErFuCkInG fEeL iT.
TG: check it time to get repetitive
TG: hoofbeast
TG: shit
TC: gOtTa HaVe MoRe FaItH tHaN tHaT, bRo. AlL yOuR dIsBeLiEvInG's ThRoWiNg OfF aLl ThEsE cHaNcEs At SoMe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS.
TC: FoCuS oN tHe PoSiTiVe, My GoOd MoThErFuCkEr. CaN't Be MaKiNg AnY hApPy EnDiNgS wItH tHaT kInD oF dOwNeR aTtItUdE.
TC: wOrLd lIkEs A gOoD nAtUrEd MoThErFuCkEr. BrO, iT's No WoNdEr YoU'rE iN sUcH a BiNd If AlL yOu'Re Up AnD pAsSiNg ArOuNd Is ThE cYnIcIsM.
TC: HoNk. :o)
TG: this is not our fucking fault
TG: its yours
TG: you fucked us over
TG: your clueless team fucked us over
TG: your entire goddamn universe fucked us right up the ass without lubricant
TG: and youre trying to pass the blame to us
TG: fuck you fuck your species and fuck your goddamn miracle hoofbeastshit
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --
How did the others think this was anything other than a waste of time? These aliens were worse than useless.
Dave drummed his fingers against the desk in beat to his music. Obviously he was chill. That delusional juggalo just needed to stop slurping slime (or whatever aliens did to get high) and sharing his drugged up hallucinations with strangers. Dave had better shit to do than listen to wasted morons give him irrelevant advice.
That was a lie. There was no better shit to do when his only tasks involved contacting more of these sponge-numbing idiots.
He picked another username and glanced over this one's timeline. Like hell he was going to risk talking to another high juggalo, but this alien seemed to keep himself together and favored computers over greasy paint. Maybe it'd be an improvement over the last one, but he wasn't counting on it.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --
TG: lemme guess youre their incompetent programmer
TA: hii and welcome two my autore2ponder. your u2ername ii2nt famiiliiar 2o youve been automatiically rediirected two my homemade iin2ult generator. every tiime you 2end a me22age, you wiill receiive one 2hiittya22 iin2ult iin reply. iif thii2 ii2 2ome kiind of mii2take and ii actually know you, too fuckiing bad ii gue22. text me or 2ome 2hiit.
TG: well fuck me i guess your team had to luck out somewhere and recruited someone who can actually put two lines of code together without exploding anything congratulations i hope that makes you feel better when you all inevitably die horribly later
TA: ii gue22 you diidnt lii2ten the fiir2t tiime, fuckbraiin. that wa2nt a joke. ii have liike a thou2and iin2ult2 here, waiitiing for 2omeone dumb enough two 2et them all off.
TG: id call you on bullshit but no one can type that fast so i guess this autoresponder of yours isnt a total fabrication
TA: iive met 2pambot2 wiith more 2en2e than you.
TG: the real insult here is that i dont know whether you delete these logs automatically or if you scroll through them at your leisure later
TA: iim 2urprii2ed the 2ciienti2t2 havent 2tolen you away two experiiment on how youre 2tiill aliive wiithout a workiing braiin.
TG: so either i should be sending you some sick burns to make you regret reading this
TA: diid your webcam melt at the 2iight of your face la2t tiime you triied two u2e iit?
TG: or sending you useful spoilers that could save your asses to make you regret not reading this
TA: your mother wa2 a ham2ter and your father 2melled of elderberriie2.
TG: that doesnt even make fucking sense
TA: ii fart iin your general diirectiion.
TG: who the hell taught you insults
TA: 2peakiing of your mother, 2he told me la2t niight what a pathetiic faiilure of a chiild you are.
TG: seriously how did you not get culled for this pathetic excuse of a program
TA: 2he empha2iized you were e2peciially bad iin the bedroom department. you 2iick fuck.
TG: i guess the imperial drones on your planet feel sorry for the little fuckers who hatch with a broken think pan and they saw your feeble attempts at insults and just said
TA: ju2t a remiinder that ii wa2nt fuckiing jokiing about codiing iin a thou2and iin2ult2. ii gue22 iif youre thii2 far along, youre two fuckiing 2tubborn, not two mentiion 2tupiid a2 2hiit, two giive up now. dont worry, iill grab more iinsult2 onliine or 2omethiing iif ii 2u2pect youll actually reach my liimiit.
TG: i wasnt fucking finished
TA: ii hear they kiicked you off of 4chan for haviing dii2gu2tiingly bad ta2te.
TG: you know your attempts at insults are just short of amusing in how they suck and all
TA: the be2t part about thii2 conver2atiion ii2 tryiing two gue22 who taught a monkey how two type iin the fiir2st place. waiit, nevermiind, that iin2ult ii2 way two mean two monkey2.
TG: but im getting kinda sick of you interrupting me when im about to go on a roll
TA: your 2tench ii2 2o bad ii can 2mell iit over iin2tant me22age.
TG: youre supposed to be drowning in a sea of red not a fucking ocd pattern of red yellow red yellow red
TA: are you iilliiterate or ju2t that de2perate for human contact?
TG: fuck you im still not done talking
TA: diidnt ii teabag your noob a22 iin halo when ii wa2 eiight?
He wasn't that familiar with the time controls on Trollian, but it only took a few seconds of searching to find the button that looked like it would pause the human timeline. He pressed it before typing again.
TG: two can play at manipulating simple software motherfucker
TG: here i almost felt bad for giving you guys shit
TG: but nah thanks for reaffirming my suspicion that you dont deserve an ounce of respect let alone a shot at rebuking our allegations
TG: and so help me
TG: if my abilities reach that far
TG: the exact moment you die in this timeline i will make time
TG: slow
TG: to
TG: a
TG: crawl
TG: as you bleed out over an eternity
TG: so i guess you better go code some software that can deal with that for you too
He unpaused Trollian and watched the message window light up in a stream of yellow responses, flying by too fast to read before they had been replaced by a new insult. The messages didn't stop even after their number matched the ones he sent; he'd probably thrown the program into an infinite loop.
The human hesitated. Dave couldn't zoom in enough to read the fucker's monitor, but if his body language was any indicator -- frantically tapping at the keyboard, jiggling the mouse, facepalming intermittently -- the infinite loop was doing way more damage on his end. The human had to resort to holding the power button and grimmacing as the computer flickered off and restarted.
Dave waited through all of it. He reached for the keyboard again once the computer finished rebooting.
TG: i hope you got all that id hate to have to retype it since its too hot for copypaste to handle
TA: what the everloviing fuck diid you do?
TG: no wonder you guys fuck up so royally
TG: if thats all it takes to break the best excuse for coding you have to offer
TA: go two hell.
-- twinArmageddons [TA] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --
TG: protip
TG: try all you like
TG: you cant block me
TA: FUCK YOU.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --
Part of him wanted to stay and watch the fireworks as the human spewed a set of angry insults not generated by a computer. The other part of him won out and he exited the chat window. The guy was getting on his nerves and it was only appropriate to give him a turn at messaging an unresponsive user.
Fuck it. This was bullshit. IMing a handful of aliens too stupid to know their bulges from their horns wasn't going to get them anywhere. If John didn't know that, Rose should have, yet here they were delaying the inevitable like a rustblood trying to outrun a drone.
Sooner or later that drone was gonna catch up. Dave had always known that, but he guessed he couldn't blame the others for sinking into denial. Maybe they deserved that small hope, 'cos they sure as hell didn't deserve to be going through this with him.
He was done pretending though. If he couldn't fix things, he might as well have fun with it.
He chose the next username with purpose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
TG: so youre the leader
TG: the big fermented cheese
TG: the ectobiologist
CG: ...ARE YOU THE WORLD'S SHITTIEST SPAMBOT?
TG: nah man
TG: im flesh and blood and a kickass set of candy corn horns
CG: OH GOD. YOU'RE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE TROLLS.
TG: hey its smarter than it looks
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP BOTHERING US?
CG: I'D BELIEVE IT IF YOU HAD A BONE TO PICK WITH ME, BUT THE OTHERS DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF VOMIT ON THEIR MONITORS.
TG: they will
CG: YOU GUYS NEVER MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?
TG: yeah i dont care
TG: bottom line is you fucked us over
TG: my friends and i are just waiting for death at this point
TG: and i dont care about me i wasnt expecting to make it to adulthood anyway
TG: but they had a chance and you fucking took it away
CG: HAS THE ART OF TROLLING FALLEN TO THE DREGS OF "LET'S BE AS INCOMPREHENSIVE AND BORING AS POSSIBLE" NOW?
CG: IS THIS TROLLING DADAISM?
TG: not that i dont appreciate some good surrealism
TG: but it is very fucking realism when i tell you
TG: if i ever find a way into your universe you and i are going to be making some killer modernism
TG: my paintbrush
TG: and gallons of your blood
TG: we can call it
TG: untitled 37: red on canvas
TG: it will be the ugliest laziest painting in the whole gallery
TG: the critics will love it
CG: AN ANONYMOUS TROLL THREATENING TO TRACK ME DOWN AND KILL ME. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL. DO ANY OF YOUR TARGETS ACTUALLY BUY THAT?
TG: i know exactly where you are
TG: you have terrible taste in movies by the way and my best friend is the king of bad taste
TG: hang on i think i can make out the title on one of your posters
TG: 50 first dates? even the title is shitty
TG: is that human adam sandler
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
CG: DID SOLLUX PUT YOU UP TO THIS?
TG: no one did
TG: im supposed to be interrograting you or some shit but whatever you did we clearly cant change it so why bother
TG: instead im letting you know that you wont get away with it
CG: WOW, I'M PISSING MYSELF IN TERROR.
CG: NEXT YOU CAN SEND ANON HATE TO MY NONEXISTENT TUMBLR.
TG: yeah i see you shivering in your ugly red tshirt
CG: WHAT
TG: did you know theres a hole in the left sleeve
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --
Minutes ahead in the human's timeline, the username carcinoGeneticist became inactive and was replaced on Trollian by ectoBiologist. Dave smirked.
----
God.
Fucking.
Dammit.
Dave cranked up his music. He was chill, he didn't give shits, and he wasn't even the slightest bit thrown off by recent events. So one of his doomed timeline iterations had fucked up worse than usual. Big deal. He'd leave the worrying to the others. He was too busy keeping chill and looking for a solution.
By chatting with a bunch of useless aliens over Trollian. That would absolutely solve the problem that their lusus were dead, Sgrub was unwinnable, and they were all going to die.
He couldn't exactly claim he had any better plans and it's what John wanted. What was there to lose anyway? Other than what little time they had left before the static-y asshole found them.
Dave picked a username among the twelve without paying attention. His mouth twitched as the user's profile and viewport appeared on the screen. Naturally, he'd chosen someone who typed in a highblood's colors. Not that Dave gave a fuck; he had no reason to worry about highbloods.
There were things far more concerning than the alien's possible social status anyway. Such as the fact the asshole caked white and gray makeup all over his brown skin.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --
TG: what
TG: in the name of the shitty frog you crawled out of
TG: are you supposed to be
TC: HoNk.
TG: ok
TG: that answers approximately fuckall
TC: hOnK hOnK. :o)
TG: i guess you assholes speak in an alien avian dialect
TG: caw caw and stuff then
TG: thats troll bird speak for stop talking like a dumbass
TC: DoN't MoThErFuCkInG bE lIkE tHaT nOw, My TrOlL bRo. I wAs JuSt GeTtInG mY wIcKeD mOtHeRfUcKiNg ElAtIoN wArMeD uP. :o)
TG: i changed my mind go back to honking
TC: cAn'T sAy I gEt MaNy ReQuEsTs FoR tHaT oNe, MoThErFuCkEr, BuT i'Ll Be HaPpY tO oBlIgE.
TC: HoNk HoNk.
TG: whatever
TG: ive got orders to follow quotas to fill places to be people to nag
TG: so question number one
TG: have you done anything so fucking stupid lately that it could fuck over a completely different universe
TC: wElL tHaT sUrE iSn'T sOuNdInG lIkE a ThInG i WoUlD'vE dOnE. hOnK.
TG: cool survey over this is pointless thanks for confirming what i already knew
TG: you aliens probably dont even have enough cumulative iq to notice if you fucked something up on an interdimensional level anyway
TG: so basically im wasting my time talking to idiots like you but what else is fucking new
TC: If I mAy PaSs On A wOrD oF aDvIcE fRoM oNe BrOtHeR tO aNoThEr...
TC: yOu MaY wAnT tO gEt YoUr MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl On SoMe. ReLaX, bRo. AiN't ThE eNd Of ThE wOrLd.
TC: HoNk. :o)
TG: excuse me i am always fucking chill
TG: i radiate so much chill that cooking is a nearly impossible pastime in my presence
TG: that foods staying cold doesnt matter how much fire you give it when im around to cancel out the heat
TG: that is how chill i am at all times including now especially now
TC: sOuNdS lIkE yOu'Re On EdGe To Me, MoThErFuCkEr.
TG: the fuck i am
TG: not that i wouldnt have every damn right to be considering my friends are fucked six ways from next perigee and theres not one goddamn thing i can do to help them
TG: anyone else would probably panic or something in a situation like this and i cant say id blame em
TG: but i remain chill as always
TC: BrO, yOu'Re SoUnDiNg LiKe My MoThErFuCkInG bEsT fRiEnD wHeN hE's TrYiNg To PrEtEnD hE dOeSn'T nEeD tO cAlM hIs AsS dOwN. yOu BoTh NeEd To LeT sOmE sHiT bE.
TC: iF tHeRe'S nOtHiNg YoU cAn Do To FiX yOuR pReDiCaMeNt, BeSt To AcCePt It. MaYbE iT's FoR tHe MoThErFuCkInG bEsT aNd YoUr MiNd JuSt HaSn'T bEeN oPeNeD eNoUgH yEt To SeE iT. :o)
TG: that is the biggest case of bullshit ive heard since the great hoofbeast stampede of 06
TG: fuckers left droppings all over the town it was smelly and squishy and an unnatural shade of green
TG: no shoes were safe
TG: but its nothing compared to the stench of the crap spewing from your mouth
TC: WeLl It'S a MoThErFuCkInG sHaMe YoU fEeL tHaT wAy. BuT tHiNgS wIlL bE wOrKiNg ThEiR wAy OuT oF tRoUbLe If YoU lEt ThEm Do YoU tHaT sOlId.
TC: a MiRaClE's CoMiNg YoUr WaY, bRo. I cAn MoThErFuCkInG fEeL iT.
TG: check it time to get repetitive
TG: hoofbeast
TG: shit
TC: gOtTa HaVe MoRe FaItH tHaN tHaT, bRo. AlL yOuR dIsBeLiEvInG's ThRoWiNg OfF aLl ThEsE cHaNcEs At SoMe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS.
TC: FoCuS oN tHe PoSiTiVe, My GoOd MoThErFuCkEr. CaN't Be MaKiNg AnY hApPy EnDiNgS wItH tHaT kInD oF dOwNeR aTtItUdE.
TC: wOrLd lIkEs A gOoD nAtUrEd MoThErFuCkEr. BrO, iT's No WoNdEr YoU'rE iN sUcH a BiNd If AlL yOu'Re Up AnD pAsSiNg ArOuNd Is ThE cYnIcIsM.
TC: HoNk. :o)
TG: this is not our fucking fault
TG: its yours
TG: you fucked us over
TG: your clueless team fucked us over
TG: your entire goddamn universe fucked us right up the ass without lubricant
TG: and youre trying to pass the blame to us
TG: fuck you fuck your species and fuck your goddamn miracle hoofbeastshit
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --
How did the others think this was anything other than a waste of time? These aliens were worse than useless.
Dave drummed his fingers against the desk in beat to his music. Obviously he was chill. That delusional juggalo just needed to stop slurping slime (or whatever aliens did to get high) and sharing his drugged up hallucinations with strangers. Dave had better shit to do than listen to wasted morons give him irrelevant advice.
That was a lie. There was no better shit to do when his only tasks involved contacting more of these sponge-numbing idiots.
He picked another username and glanced over this one's timeline. Like hell he was going to risk talking to another high juggalo, but this alien seemed to keep himself together and favored computers over greasy paint. Maybe it'd be an improvement over the last one, but he wasn't counting on it.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --
TG: lemme guess youre their incompetent programmer
TA: hii and welcome two my autore2ponder. your u2ername ii2nt famiiliiar 2o youve been automatiically rediirected two my homemade iin2ult generator. every tiime you 2end a me22age, you wiill receiive one 2hiittya22 iin2ult iin reply. iif thii2 ii2 2ome kiind of mii2take and ii actually know you, too fuckiing bad ii gue22. text me or 2ome 2hiit.
TG: well fuck me i guess your team had to luck out somewhere and recruited someone who can actually put two lines of code together without exploding anything congratulations i hope that makes you feel better when you all inevitably die horribly later
TA: ii gue22 you diidnt lii2ten the fiir2t tiime, fuckbraiin. that wa2nt a joke. ii have liike a thou2and iin2ult2 here, waiitiing for 2omeone dumb enough two 2et them all off.
TG: id call you on bullshit but no one can type that fast so i guess this autoresponder of yours isnt a total fabrication
TA: iive met 2pambot2 wiith more 2en2e than you.
TG: the real insult here is that i dont know whether you delete these logs automatically or if you scroll through them at your leisure later
TA: iim 2urprii2ed the 2ciienti2t2 havent 2tolen you away two experiiment on how youre 2tiill aliive wiithout a workiing braiin.
TG: so either i should be sending you some sick burns to make you regret reading this
TA: diid your webcam melt at the 2iight of your face la2t tiime you triied two u2e iit?
TG: or sending you useful spoilers that could save your asses to make you regret not reading this
TA: your mother wa2 a ham2ter and your father 2melled of elderberriie2.
TG: that doesnt even make fucking sense
TA: ii fart iin your general diirectiion.
TG: who the hell taught you insults
TA: 2peakiing of your mother, 2he told me la2t niight what a pathetiic faiilure of a chiild you are.
TG: seriously how did you not get culled for this pathetic excuse of a program
TA: 2he empha2iized you were e2peciially bad iin the bedroom department. you 2iick fuck.
TG: i guess the imperial drones on your planet feel sorry for the little fuckers who hatch with a broken think pan and they saw your feeble attempts at insults and just said
TA: ju2t a remiinder that ii wa2nt fuckiing jokiing about codiing iin a thou2and iin2ult2. ii gue22 iif youre thii2 far along, youre two fuckiing 2tubborn, not two mentiion 2tupiid a2 2hiit, two giive up now. dont worry, iill grab more iinsult2 onliine or 2omethiing iif ii 2u2pect youll actually reach my liimiit.
TG: i wasnt fucking finished
TA: ii hear they kiicked you off of 4chan for haviing dii2gu2tiingly bad ta2te.
TG: you know your attempts at insults are just short of amusing in how they suck and all
TA: the be2t part about thii2 conver2atiion ii2 tryiing two gue22 who taught a monkey how two type iin the fiir2st place. waiit, nevermiind, that iin2ult ii2 way two mean two monkey2.
TG: but im getting kinda sick of you interrupting me when im about to go on a roll
TA: your 2tench ii2 2o bad ii can 2mell iit over iin2tant me22age.
TG: youre supposed to be drowning in a sea of red not a fucking ocd pattern of red yellow red yellow red
TA: are you iilliiterate or ju2t that de2perate for human contact?
TG: fuck you im still not done talking
TA: diidnt ii teabag your noob a22 iin halo when ii wa2 eiight?
He wasn't that familiar with the time controls on Trollian, but it only took a few seconds of searching to find the button that looked like it would pause the human timeline. He pressed it before typing again.
TG: two can play at manipulating simple software motherfucker
TG: here i almost felt bad for giving you guys shit
TG: but nah thanks for reaffirming my suspicion that you dont deserve an ounce of respect let alone a shot at rebuking our allegations
TG: and so help me
TG: if my abilities reach that far
TG: the exact moment you die in this timeline i will make time
TG: slow
TG: to
TG: a
TG: crawl
TG: as you bleed out over an eternity
TG: so i guess you better go code some software that can deal with that for you too
He unpaused Trollian and watched the message window light up in a stream of yellow responses, flying by too fast to read before they had been replaced by a new insult. The messages didn't stop even after their number matched the ones he sent; he'd probably thrown the program into an infinite loop.
The human hesitated. Dave couldn't zoom in enough to read the fucker's monitor, but if his body language was any indicator -- frantically tapping at the keyboard, jiggling the mouse, facepalming intermittently -- the infinite loop was doing way more damage on his end. The human had to resort to holding the power button and grimmacing as the computer flickered off and restarted.
Dave waited through all of it. He reached for the keyboard again once the computer finished rebooting.
TG: i hope you got all that id hate to have to retype it since its too hot for copypaste to handle
TA: what the everloviing fuck diid you do?
TG: no wonder you guys fuck up so royally
TG: if thats all it takes to break the best excuse for coding you have to offer
TA: go two hell.
-- twinArmageddons [TA] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --
TG: protip
TG: try all you like
TG: you cant block me
TA: FUCK YOU.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --
Part of him wanted to stay and watch the fireworks as the human spewed a set of angry insults not generated by a computer. The other part of him won out and he exited the chat window. The guy was getting on his nerves and it was only appropriate to give him a turn at messaging an unresponsive user.
Fuck it. This was bullshit. IMing a handful of aliens too stupid to know their bulges from their horns wasn't going to get them anywhere. If John didn't know that, Rose should have, yet here they were delaying the inevitable like a rustblood trying to outrun a drone.
Sooner or later that drone was gonna catch up. Dave had always known that, but he guessed he couldn't blame the others for sinking into denial. Maybe they deserved that small hope, 'cos they sure as hell didn't deserve to be going through this with him.
He was done pretending though. If he couldn't fix things, he might as well have fun with it.
He chose the next username with purpose.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
TG: so youre the leader
TG: the big fermented cheese
TG: the ectobiologist
CG: ...ARE YOU THE WORLD'S SHITTIEST SPAMBOT?
TG: nah man
TG: im flesh and blood and a kickass set of candy corn horns
CG: OH GOD. YOU'RE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE TROLLS.
TG: hey its smarter than it looks
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP BOTHERING US?
CG: I'D BELIEVE IT IF YOU HAD A BONE TO PICK WITH ME, BUT THE OTHERS DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF VOMIT ON THEIR MONITORS.
TG: they will
CG: YOU GUYS NEVER MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?
TG: yeah i dont care
TG: bottom line is you fucked us over
TG: my friends and i are just waiting for death at this point
TG: and i dont care about me i wasnt expecting to make it to adulthood anyway
TG: but they had a chance and you fucking took it away
CG: HAS THE ART OF TROLLING FALLEN TO THE DREGS OF "LET'S BE AS INCOMPREHENSIVE AND BORING AS POSSIBLE" NOW?
CG: IS THIS TROLLING DADAISM?
TG: not that i dont appreciate some good surrealism
TG: but it is very fucking realism when i tell you
TG: if i ever find a way into your universe you and i are going to be making some killer modernism
TG: my paintbrush
TG: and gallons of your blood
TG: we can call it
TG: untitled 37: red on canvas
TG: it will be the ugliest laziest painting in the whole gallery
TG: the critics will love it
CG: AN ANONYMOUS TROLL THREATENING TO TRACK ME DOWN AND KILL ME. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL. DO ANY OF YOUR TARGETS ACTUALLY BUY THAT?
TG: i know exactly where you are
TG: you have terrible taste in movies by the way and my best friend is the king of bad taste
TG: hang on i think i can make out the title on one of your posters
TG: 50 first dates? even the title is shitty
TG: is that human adam sandler
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
CG: DID SOLLUX PUT YOU UP TO THIS?
TG: no one did
TG: im supposed to be interrograting you or some shit but whatever you did we clearly cant change it so why bother
TG: instead im letting you know that you wont get away with it
CG: WOW, I'M PISSING MYSELF IN TERROR.
CG: NEXT YOU CAN SEND ANON HATE TO MY NONEXISTENT TUMBLR.
TG: yeah i see you shivering in your ugly red tshirt
CG: WHAT
TG: did you know theres a hole in the left sleeve
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --
Minutes ahead in the human's timeline, the username carcinoGeneticist became inactive and was replaced on Trollian by ectoBiologist. Dave smirked.
